Anxiety Girl is ME.

We just got back from a whirlwind weekend trip to Disneyland.  We went because, well, we love Disney, but also because some friends of ours had the audacity to move cross-country a year ago and it was a good chance to get together for some fun.  I was anticipating the trip with enthusiasm, but about two weeks before we were set to leave, that enthusiasm was joined by less-welcome anxiety.   See, there's been this norovirus-thing going around that leaves kids doubled over on the bathroom floor for weeks at a time.....  What if one of the kids were to get it before we left?  Would we cancel our trip?  Would some of us go while some were left behind to ride it out?  Or, what if it overcame one of us on the L O N G flight there?  Gross.  Everyone on the plane would hate us!  What if someone got sick while we were there?  We'd be stuck in the hotel room while everyone else got to go have fun, and what if we got our friends sick?  And so on....and so forth....

A friend posted a funny cartoon on facebook the other day:  Anxiety Girl--able to jump to the worst conclusion in a single bound!  That's so me.  Sigh.  My kids are healthy; we are blessed.  But I can't help but explore all the worst scenarios.  I prayed for God to help me clear my heart and head of my nutty mental wanderings, and it did help, but I couldn't stop reminding my kids to "wash your hands, and don't you dare put your hands near your mouth!"

Well, we made it to Disneyland, and had a great few days with our friends.  

And then, Sunday morning, I got the text from my trip-buddy friend, Brooke:  "K threw up, we're staying home this morning, can J go to the park with you?"  My heart sunk.  Here I was, actually in the situation I'd spent all that time worrying over, except it wasn't my child.  But, sink or swim, right?  So, we went to the parks as planned, except for Brooke and her youngest.  The boys went and rode roller coasters, and our slightly smaller party of girls set off to hunt down some princesses.  And, despite feeling REALLY bad for Brooke and K, we had a great time.  I mean, WE MET MERIDA!!  (from Brave), not to mention Cinderella, Snow White, Ariel and Tiana!  The boys rode one roller coaster five times in a row, and Brooke and K were able to join us for lunch and slowly finish out the day with us.  It feels kind of un-cool to learn a lesson from Brooke's messy night/day....  but who am I to choose how or when God works in me?  Right?

Yes, there was a middle-of-the-night puking session, but there was also a crew of Disney "cast-members" who had likely cleaned up just such a mess hundreds of times before to bring up the rug-shampoo-er thing at midnight and spray down everything with disinfectant and return later in the day with some odor-eliminating spray.  One of the kids even slept through most of it!  

The "worst" that I had anticipated happened, and we survived.  (Well, kind of.  In His grace, my Ryne didn't get sick until Tuesday night, after we got home....)  This is a relatively silly, and minor example of a "worst-case-scenario" coming to life, but, as always.....  I got to thinking, and praying.

I was listening to a podcast yesterday in which the speaker referenced the song "Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone)"--how awesome it is that one day we will be free of these earthly bodies that sometimes don't work so well and cause us pain.  In my heart, though, I heard the other, more immediate part of it--I am set free NOW from so much....if only I choose to be.  When I worry something to death--like the possibility of a sick child, I am in bondage to my worry.  It handcuffs my ability to fully experience life, let alone to accomplish the things which God has set before me.  This realization is embarrassing on many levels, especially because I have referenced Jesus' words in Matthew 6:27 to my mom--and my Bible study--within the past couple weeks:  "And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?"  Sheesh.  Just when I feel like I'm starting to gain a foothold in this life of following Jesus, I see how clearly I tend to follow something else---me.

Lest I get too down on myself, though, I have to remind myself that I am further along than I was a year ago.  I recognized that futility and sin in my worry, and prayed about it.  Once the dust had settled, I recognized that God was helping me to "debrief" and clear up some of my confusion about where the anxiety comes from.  Pure and simple, my own pride and need to be in control, added to my lack of faith (Oh, that hurts to admit) that God really is in control, caused me to fall.  God led me to His Word from Galatians 5:1--"For freedom Christ has set us free...." and 2 Corinthians 3:17--"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."  And, if that wasn't enough,  this morning I woke up with the song "I am Set Free" by All Sons and Daughters in my head.  

Point taken; thank You for the reminders, God.  :)

So I guess it's time for me to believe, and know that God is totally aware of my struggles with pride and that His grace is more than enough to forgive my unbelief.